Friday, July 27, 2012

five minute fridays: beyond

This week the Five Minute Friday prompt from Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama is:

Beyond

Most of my days see me existing in a state of beyond-ness. I am beyond tired. Beyond frustrated. Beyond stressed. Beyond exasperated. 

My baby won't stop grabbing my fingers for even the five minutes of writing this post. It is beyond aggravating.

I woke this morning to my stomach grumbling: beyond hungry.

I look around our apartment, boxes piled everywhere, flat surfaces covered in detritus I haven't yet sorted, having not yet decided what to keep, what to trash, how to pack it: it is beyond chaos.

My food sensitivities continue to confound us. I am beyond perplexed. When I eat something I should not, the reaction is beyond uncomfortable, beyond painful. My post-partum depression/mood symptoms have returned. It appears nut butter is an offender. I had cashew butter for breakfast. It has rendered me beyond the limits of my patience.

I cling desperately to the last shreds of sanity and patience, thoroughly unwilling to concede defeat.

I am not yet beyond hope.

Because I look at my family, in the moments when I steel myself and breathe deeply, seeking peace, seeking grace, and I am beyond joy. In the midst of the screaming entropy that is this life most days, my heart expands.

Because yesterday, as I went to lay my sleeping baby down for her nap, she turned, curling her body onto mine, throwing her arm across my chest, pinning me down and I took it as the divine invitation that it was. To rest. To take ease. To rejoice in the singular beauty that is a napping child, soft and warm and breathing, all goodness and innocence and total abandon.

Because I was beyond tired, beyond frustrated, beyond stressed. 

And She gave me rest.

7 comments:

  1. Beautiful. It's been a long time since I've felt those motherhood "beyonds", and your post reminds me of how precious those moments are. When our children give us what we need.
    Robin - visiting from Lisa-Jo's

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  2. Amazing five minutes of writing, espcially with little hands grabing at your fingers. I so understand every single beyond you feel, and know the need Blessed for reading this today, thank you.

    Marissa @ forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com

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  3. Praying for you.

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  4. Beautiful post. Expressing so well both sides of beyond. Gypsy mama visitor here.

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  5. Oh gal, I've been there. I never knew postpartum depression existed until I lived it ...so I lived guilt ridden for a few years thinking I was a terrible mom because life wasn't grins, giggles and pink ribbons. Finally a wonderful lady who became a wonderful friend looked at me and must have seen my pain and simply said, "I wasn't normal for 3 years after I had my daughter." A weight lifted and from there things gradually got better. Be encouraged! Thanks for being real, being honest...it will serve you well. prayers!

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  6. Anonymous1:40 PM

    Love to help you if you would like some resources/information. Jenny

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  7. Anonymous1:47 PM

    Great post. In my world many moons ago, I really didn't know enough about post-partum. I was too proud to admit that I needed support. Thank the Lord for great people who have a knack of knowing that you're in trouble. May God bless you on your journey to wellness, including figuring out your sensitivities. I have sensitivities in my family history and if I can be of any help, please email me. I am a grandma now and loving it. I love kids and I love helping others.....I have some resources I could refer to you, if needed.

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